Releasing Hurt
Live life in full recognition of the forgiveness won on the cross.
Hands
What does it look like to release the hurt that you have received over the course of your life? It may seem clearer to understand what it looks like to hang on to the pain that can be inflicted upon us, but what does it look like to let that pain and hurt go? As parents, we have all been there when we ask our child to say “I’m sorry” only to hear nothing but the attitude in the delivery of what is purported to be an apology. “It doesn’t sound like you are really sorry” we might rightly respond, only to send our already frustrated child back into a full-blown tantrum.
Releasing hurt is not something that can be forced. Whether we are talking about our children’s hurt or our own pain, we can only let go when we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready to do so. When my youngest son gets angry about something that he sees as unfair (a totally developmentally appropriate response at 9 years old), he often needs some time alone to emotionally move past the anger that he is carrying with him. If I push too early to resolve the issue, I am likely to receive more of a push back and a repeat demand for fairness, rather than helping him move on and let go of what he sees as having unfairly been done to him.
True to form, when he is ready to move on, he reemerges from his room ready to offer a heartfelt and honest apology or now ready to hear an apology from his older brother. Without that time to prepare himself to be able to move on, I, as his parent, am not going to force him to let go or to move forward.
At times, my greater life experience might tell me that what my sons find to be so totally unfair should not mean all that much in the grand scheme of things. When I have those thoughts, my best next move is to say nothing of the kind to them. They don’t need to hear that their struggles are not as important as they feel to them in that moment and at their developmental stage of life. When we work to help our children release the hurt they are carrying with them, we need to acknowledge and affirm how they feel the weight of that pain upon them. Our perspective is only useful in retrospect after they have been affirmed, and we have acknowledged that their hurt did indeed cause them pain. Only when they are ready on their own is it possible to help them to move toward letting go and beginning the process of healing and relational restoration.
When Jacob stole the blessing from Esau that was to have been given by their father Isaac, Jacob was wise to get out of town quickly. His mother, Rebekah’s advice for Jacob to leave and seek refuge with her brother Laban would not only allow Esau the time he needed to calm down but would provide Jacob with his family and his wealth, setting up the plan that God had in store for this family (see Genesis 28-30). Years later when Jacob was returning, he remained concerned that Esau would still be carrying the pain and anger from having his blessing stolen and seek to kill Jacob. Genesis 33:4 records the final reunion of these brothers, “But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.” It would seem that during the time apart, Esau realized that he valued his brother over the blessing that he lost. Nothing changed with regard to whether Jacob stole his blessing, Esau simply gained perspective and was able to let go of his anger.
This last note is important. Often nothing has really changed other than our own desire to move on. The apology our child receives from a sibling may not be any different now, but their readiness to hear that apology and grant forgiveness is what has changed. As we walk with our children as they emotionally move toward releasing hurt, we are able then to talk with them about what took place and help them gain perspective. When they are calmer and open to hearing the perspective of others, we can ask them questions from the perspective of the others involved to help them see the bigger picture. Asking questions like “How would it make you feel…?” can help our child to take on the perspective of the person who hurt us and help them to see how the hurt inflicted can impact more than just them. For younger children this can be developmentally challenging but given time and calmness on our part to help encourage an emotional calm on their part, they can learn how to consider the perspectives of others. This skill is a key element of their maturation.
